Today is October 15th. It is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. It is one week away from what was supposed to be our baby’s due date three years ago. We would have had a 3 year old, but we do not. We have ultrasound photos of an eight-week old baby with a strong heartbeat and “perfect features.” These ultrasound photos sit untouched and unopened in a manila envelope on the top shelf of my office closet.
The day we found out that our baby stopped growing at 12 weeks gestation is forever imprinted in my memory. We strolled into the ultrasound room elated to see our baby again. When the technician flipped on the screen, I noticed that our baby wasn’t moving, but was too naïve to think that anything was wrong.
“Is it sleeping?” I asked.
“Um, just resting,” was his solemn response.
When he excused himself to get the doctor, I still didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t know that the seven words I would hear next would rock my world for weeks, months, and years to come.
“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
That was three and a half years ago, but feels like yesterday. Each and every time I let myself go there, I have a hard time breathing, and the tears never fail to fall.
Although the recently released song “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifa is about his friend’s car accident, and ultimate death, each time I hear it, I can’t help but think about our lost baby.
It’s been a long day
Without you my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
We’ve come a long way from where we began.
Oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
When I see you again.
I look forward to the day that I will meet my lost baby. Until then, I will light a candle for him or her, and for the millions of babies that millions of us have lost.
You are loved and are not forgotten.